Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”