I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Always a metermaid never a meter