POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.