@Alex_but_online

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

@Alex_but_online

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@Alex_but_online

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

@Alex_but_online

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

@Alex_but_online

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@Alex_but_online

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

@Alex_but_online

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

@Alex_but_online

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

@Alex_but_online

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

@Alex_but_online

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”