@AndyAsAdjective

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@AndyAsAdjective

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

@AndyAsAdjective

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@AndyAsAdjective

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

@AndyAsAdjective

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.