[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.