ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN