Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.