My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.