I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist