I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.