@AshleyAlready

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

@AshleyAlready

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

@AshleyAlready

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

@AshleyAlready

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

@AshleyAlready

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

@AshleyAlready

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

@AshleyAlready

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.