@BigJDubz

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

@BigJDubz

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

@BigJDubz

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

@BigJDubz

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

@BigJDubz

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

@BigJDubz

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

@BigJDubz

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

@BigJDubz

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

@BigJDubz

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

@BigJDubz

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft