Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.