馃幎Where did you come from?
Where did you go?馃幎Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That鈥檒l be $25
Me: Here鈥檚 a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That鈥檒l be $24.84
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
This made me smile…
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
4: I鈥檓 gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord鈥檚 number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that鈥檚 not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Him: I bet you鈥檙e good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I鈥檒l be back.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake