I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
How to shape your eyebrows
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing