Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you