Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Not all heroes wear capes.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.