If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[friend being eaten by a bear]
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.