@DirtMcTurd If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
@DirtMcTurd [friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@DirtMcTurd [Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
@DirtMcTurd *quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
@DirtMcTurd Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
@DirtMcTurd *Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
@DirtMcTurd Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
@DirtMcTurd Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
@DirtMcTurd I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
@DirtMcTurd Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.