@DirtMcTurd

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

@DirtMcTurd

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@DirtMcTurd

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

@DirtMcTurd

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

@DirtMcTurd

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

@DirtMcTurd

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.