me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Livid.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I drew y’all a little something.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
pep talk
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Yup.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I think I’m having a stroke
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi