Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Hot hot hot 🥵
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
This is so me 😂😂
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”