*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
At best, I might email or text you.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*