@DrunjAF *connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
@DrunjAF @DrunjAF Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
@DrunjAF Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
@DrunjAF What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
@DrunjAF Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
@DrunjAF Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
@DrunjAF Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
@DrunjAF The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
@DrunjAF I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
@DrunjAF [Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*