@DrunjAF

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

@DrunjAF

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

@DrunjAF

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@DrunjAF

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

@DrunjAF

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

@DrunjAF

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@DrunjAF

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@DrunjAF

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

@DrunjAF

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

@DrunjAF

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*