every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess