Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I like donuts.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.