See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Tell the colonel to bring it
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro