@Heatinblack

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

@Heatinblack

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

@Heatinblack

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

@Heatinblack

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

@Heatinblack

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

@Heatinblack

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym