When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.