SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
wut hotdog?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying