@IamJackBoot

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

@IamJackBoot

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

@IamJackBoot

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

@IamJackBoot

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

@IamJackBoot

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

@IamJackBoot

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

@IamJackBoot

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

@IamJackBoot

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

@IamJackBoot

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.