I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.