@LackOfShame If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
@LackOfShame @LackOfShame You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
@LackOfShame If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
@LackOfShame Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
@LackOfShame I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
@LackOfShame Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
@LackOfShame [at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
@LackOfShame Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
@LackOfShame “How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
@LackOfShame Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.