@MedusaOusa

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

@MedusaOusa

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

@MedusaOusa

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

@MedusaOusa

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

@MedusaOusa

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

@MedusaOusa

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

@MedusaOusa

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

@MedusaOusa

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

@MedusaOusa

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

@MedusaOusa

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?