@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

@Playing_Dad

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@Playing_Dad

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

@Playing_Dad

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

@Playing_Dad

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

@Playing_Dad

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@Playing_Dad

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?