“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium