@Shariv67

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

@Shariv67

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

@Shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

@Shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@Shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@Shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@Shariv67

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

@Shariv67

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

@Shariv67

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

@Shariv67

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.