@Shariv67

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

@Shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@Shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@Shariv67

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

@Shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

@Shariv67

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

@Shariv67

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

@Shariv67

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

@Shariv67

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

@Shariv67

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.