Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.