@Shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@Shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

@Shariv67

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

@Shariv67

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

@Shariv67

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

@Shariv67

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

@Shariv67

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

@Shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

@Shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@Shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.