No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.