@TheToddWilliams Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
@TheToddWilliams @TheToddWilliams There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
@TheToddWilliams Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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@TheToddWilliams [Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
@TheToddWilliams Only short people can save us
@TheToddWilliams KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
@TheToddWilliams [F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
@TheToddWilliams WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
@TheToddWilliams [Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
@TheToddWilliams [cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*