@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

@TravLeBlanc

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

@TravLeBlanc

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@TravLeBlanc

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.