My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.