@baronvonbike

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

@baronvonbike

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

@baronvonbike

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

@baronvonbike

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

@baronvonbike

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

@baronvonbike

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

@baronvonbike

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

@baronvonbike

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.