@canadasandra

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@canadasandra

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@canadasandra

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

@canadasandra

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

@canadasandra

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

@canadasandra

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.