the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
Th: But that’s your a-
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.