Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.