Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.