@chopper4jk I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
@chopper4jk @chopper4jk Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
@chopper4jk Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
@chopper4jk GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
@chopper4jk 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
@chopper4jk I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
@chopper4jk When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
@chopper4jk Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
@chopper4jk I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
@chopper4jk Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.