@chopper4jk

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

@chopper4jk

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

@chopper4jk

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

@chopper4jk

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

@chopper4jk

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

@chopper4jk

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

@chopper4jk

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.