I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.