*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
guys I’m going home
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.