ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty


[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows


ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here


ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids


ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller


ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here


Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet


ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel


ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again


ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking