Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
pelicons
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time