Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*