Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen