Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.