[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.