@fuzzlime

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

@fuzzlime

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

@fuzzlime

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

@fuzzlime

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

@fuzzlime

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

@fuzzlime

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

@fuzzlime

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

@fuzzlime

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@fuzzlime

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument