[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid