If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery