One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume